Oh, no! I can't fit her name in the Title! EEK!
by Gray-Eyed Charlatan
Summary: I recently committed the worst crime possible on Fanfiction- I created a Mary-Sue in a serious way. So I'm making fun of myself and any serious Mary-Sue writers in this parody. Her name is Scarlett Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star Glitter Sequins Smith. Yikes.
1. Chapter 1

My name is Scarlett Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star Glitter Sequins Smith. And NO, I AM NOT A MARY-SUE! Well, some people tell me that I am, but THEY'RE not Scarlett Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star Glitter Sequins Smith, now are they? Because everyone knows that no one knows how perfect I am except for me. Right?

My pitiful life started the day I was born. Of course. My mother, who I have never ever ever met, gave me my long and bea-yoooo-tiful name. Don't you love my normal last name? As if it would camoflage my first several names! Silly author! But anyhoo, so my mother named me Scarlett Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star Glitter Sequins Smith because she could TOTALLY tell that I would be as blond and beautiful as I am today. So, after she named me, she and my father left me in a plastic bag in the middle of Ecuador because they didn't want me. I was forbidden, you see. And I was going to be the object of a ginormous prophecy that was going to bring about their downfall- OOPS! I didn't just say anything! Seriously! In fact, I wouldn't even know that I had parents unless someone told me! Parents? What are parents? Huh?

When I was three moths old, a group of cats took me to LA where they would raise me. But, being the all-powerful Mary-Sue that I am, I had a vision. The vision was of my kitty friends turning into big, ugly monsters! So, even though I was three months old, I flew with my wings to New York City where I met a hobo named John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. He wanted me to call him J.J.J.S. To fill up page space with my Mary-Sue-ness, I did always call him that, even before I could talk. Because I'm awesome that way. Duh.

So J.J.J.S. let me live with him in his cardboard box/house, until I was five. Then I had another vision. This time it was my hobo friend turning into a monster! When he tried to give me my dinner of a moldy banana peel, I singlehandedly put the Cyclops into a headlock and threw him off a bridge. Of course I could do it, silly, being the super strong, smart, and beautiful five year old that I was!

After that fiasco, I wandered NYC, alone. Until I met an Arabian traveler named Alibaptimazitaminakjabced, (Ali for short) who rode a camel, when I was seven! Ali took me to his home of Arabia, where he taught me swordfighting, the Arabian way! I was so awesome with a sword that I killed his best friends. All eighteen thousand of them. But I had no time to regret the loss of precious human life because- WHOA!- I realized that Ali was a genie that would give me three wishes! No, the author isn't sure how this fits into PJO, but they needed to waste page space, and they've always wanted three wishes. So why are you all mad?

These are my three wishes from Alibaptimazitaminakjabced:

1. World peace! Being the pageant queen that I was born to be, of course this was my first wish!  
2. To be loved by a family!  
3. The ability to have as many wishes as I ever wanted!

So, I took Ali and his lamp (Oh, I forgot to say how he lived in a lamp?) with me everywhere I went, including when I was magically transported to New York City again to be loved by my family (See wish #2). When my transporting was done, I wished to be able to teleport! But, silly me, I already could teleport! The author just forgot to say it!

Anyway, I was magically transported to this weird camp. Can you guess what that summer camp was called? Right, Hogwarts! Because the author forgot the name of Camp Half-Blood! YAY! Never mind that I was in America, and that I never met Harry Potter!

Oh, shoot, I'm getting off topic again. Pfft. Must be the author wanting to have the longest story evah! What's wrong with that? So, to get back on topic.

I was in Hogwarts Camp when I met him, the future love of my life! What was his name? No, it couldn't be Harry Potter, or Artemis Fowl, or Eragon, or Perry Johansson. Hmm, what was it? Peter Johnson? Mkay, I'll just call him PJ for his initials, since I can't remember my lover's name. Why should I? A Mary-Sue like me has more important things to remember!

So, PJ was hanging out with this blond twerp who wasn't nearly as blond or beautiful as I was. I think her name was Annie Bell or something. So I felt so jealous that I pushd her off a cliff while I was riding my magic flying wonder llama, Magic Flying Wonder Llama. (Another wish) I was sooooooooo incredibly sad that I wished for PJ to forget all about her.

And lo and behold, he did! EEEEE! He fell in love with me!!! I wished for another magic flying wonder llama for him, so that we could ride them into the sunset together!

The next day, my second day at camp, we played extreme... eh... um... dodgeball! I think that was in PJO somewhere! So we were playing dodgeball when I won the game all by myself, without even using Magic Flying Wonder Llama! I am so ah-mazing, right?

Everyone was so proud of me! In fact, this weird shimmery picture of a clock appeared above my head.

"Oh!" I exclaimed. "I'm being claimed by a godly parent!" No, I didn't know how I knew that. So shut up!

"Not godly," said PJ, looking scared and pale and pointing above my head. "Titanly!"

Never mind that titanly isn't exactly a word. My dear PJ doesn't have a good vocabulary, unlike me, of course.

"I'm a daughter of Kronos!" I sobbed, looking like a fairytale princess. What would I do?

* * *

**Huh. That was interesting. I absolutely LOVE parodies! They're so much fun!**

**And don't you dare say that Scarlett Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star Glitter Sequins Smith is a Mary-Sue! She has flaws, I just forgot to put them in this chapter!**

**Ha ha ha. More Mary-Sueness in the next chapter!**

**But first, how many of you want to know my motivation? I don't care if my side isn't the majority, I'll tell it anyway. So, you've all probably heard of My Story, my story that I didn't realize revolved around a Mary-Sue until way too late. Sigh. I recently reread it and almost screamed and tore my hair out. My Story, er, my story, was AWFUL! EEK! And I had become wiser and older in the months since I wrote that catastrophe, and I had read many serious Mary-Sue stories, so I decided to poke fun at myself and anyone who has ever written a Mary-Sue story accidentally. **

**And disregard part of this A/N. I was JOKING, people. JOKING.**

**Yes, I do know that I forgot terrible grammar and spelling. Oh well. Maybe I'll try it for the next chapter...**

**:D**

**Please review!  
**


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh, no! A daughter of Kronos!" everyone at camp gasped in unison.

Being the most smartyest person evur, I was obviously the first person to figure it out.

"But I can't be the daughter of Kronos!" I sniffled. "I'm too nice!"

"And hot," chimed in my darling PJ. All the guys nodded in assent.

"If I'm the daughter of Kronos, then so be it," I said heroically.

Mr. D, the camp director/person/god/thing, took a sharp intake of breath and whispered to Chiron, "She's a daughter of Kronos? That means she's my aunt! But anyway, remember that prophecy?"

"Yes," Chiron/Dumbledore agreed. "The one where it foretold Potter Puppet Pals?"

"No, you imbecile! The one about the next daughter of Kronos!"

"Oh."

"How she's supposed to destroy the world on her fifteenth birthday and rebuild a new world from the ashes?"

They were whispering, but of course everyone could hear them.

My perfect eyebrows shot up behind my hairline. "Today's my birthday! But, that can't be! I couldn't hurt a fly!"

To demonstrate my point, I grabbed a fly from the air and kissed it. But I kissed the fly a little too much.

"Help her, she's choking!" screeched PJ. "She's choking on the fly!"

The author had, of course, forgotten to mention how I can perform the Heimlich Maneuver on myself while singing opera and riding a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, though. So I dislodged the fly all by my Mary-Sue self!

"Ta da!" I sang, whooshing around my long blond hair and showing my big, blue eyes to everyone. Several guys fainted. "Oh no you don't!" I felt panicked. They collapsed! On the ground! Being perfect and everything, I magically used my newfound daughter-of-Kronos powers to make them wake up and dust the dirt off of them and make them fall in love with me. "Are you all better?"

"Yes!" they said, approaching me and stroking my hair. Which was kinda hard, since there were so so so so many of them.

PJ looked jealous. "Scarlett! No, you love me, right?"

I started crying again. "Yes, of course I do, but I don't want to hurt all of these lovely young men's feelings! What can I do?"

He approached me and looked into my big blue eyes with his big orange (the author is lazy again!) eyes and said as he kissed away my tears, "Scarlett, sure as my name is Percy Jackson," oh, so that's what his name was! "I will always love you. But if I have to, I will share you with the other young men, such as myself. I will always be here for you! Never forget me!"

"No!" I cried. "Don't leave me!"

"Leave her! Leave her!" chanted the guys surrounding me.

Just then, some blond guy crashed into camp. "Percy Jackson, your time has come! DIE!"

"Father!" I said, snapping out of my [fake] crying.

The blond guy turned to me. "You are no daughter of mine, Scarlett Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star Glitter Sequins Smith! Join me, and maybe I won't kill this half-blood!"

"Daddy!" I said, perfectly at ease. "I can never join you. I like the Olympians too much, even though I've only met one! I'm sorry." I started crying again.

"Scarlett, then I have to kill Percy Jackson." He looked at me.

PJ looked into my eyes. "Let me die, Scarlett. It's for the best."

"NO! Take me instead!" I sobbed, being the selfless person I am.

"Fine," shrugged my dad.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed all the boys at camp.

"Do I really have to die though?" I hinted. Then I began to sing the most beautiful opera ever, and I made it even sound like there was an orchestra in the background! I sang, "Why do you want to kill meeeeee? Meeeeeee, your daughteeeeeeeeeeer? Iiiiiiiiiiii don't deseeeeeeeerve tooooooooooo diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!"

Daddy contemplated it for a few seconds. "I dunno, I really like killing."

"WAIT!" I dug out Ali's lamp and rubbed it. Ali swirled out in purple mist. "Alibaptimazitaminakjabced, I wish for my daddy to be banished to Tartarus permanently. And I wish that the host body of Luke Castellan will be completely human again and not in Tartarus with Kronos!"

"As you wish it, so it shall be," said Ali. He snapped his fingers and what I wished... happened. Because I'm perfect and everything.

The blond guy whose spirit my dad had been using turned to me and knelt on the ground before me. "Scarlett, I am eternally grateful to you. What can I do for you? I'll do anything! You saved me!"

"Luke," I declared, magically knowing his name, "you can share me with the rest of the boys who are in love with me!"

"YAY!" everyone cheered.

"And the new world will be built starting right now! And you all will be in it! No monsters or diseases or bad fashion choices will be in the new world! Now, to help me bring about this new world, I need you all to help me."

"We'll do anything!" They all said.

"Sing the chorus of A Whole New World to bring about the final transformation!" I said, automatically knowing what I said was true.

Soon everyone, my voice the prettiest and loudest of course, began singing. And as they sang, the world dissolved away from us. Soon we were floating in empty space. Then, a new world formed! It was all pretty, too! Filled with ponies and rainbows and ice cream and sprinkles! And everything was pastel colored!

We all stopped singing and looked around. The Olympians were magically there, too!

"Behold, the new world!" I said triumphantly. "I call it The Land of Mary-Sues! TLOMS! Yes, that's the name of this new world- Tloms! And everyone will be perfect and beautiful and wonderful and smart, just like me!"

The Olympians said, "We can't rule a perfect world like Tloms! We need you to be the Super Powerful Queen!"

"I accept!" I smiled while crying at the same time.

PJ was crying too, but he still looked manly. "Does that make me king?" he asked hopefully.

"Of course! In Tloms, everyone is royalty! And no one will ever die, either! And we won't need any new people, since we're all so perfect! And none of us will age, ever!"

Everyone rejoiced forevermore in my wonderful new world of Tloms.

And we all lived happily and Mary-Sue-ily ever after! EEEEE! All because of me!

* * *

**Hmm, that was kind of disturbing. Oh well, whatver! **

**Yes, this is the end. I know, I'm sad too. But you can still review!**

**Tloms sounds kind of creepy. It's too perfect, you see? Don't make Scarlett Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star Glitter Sequins Smith-s, people. They're kind of scary. So, learn from our mistakes and prevent the PJO fandom from becoming Tloms! Sign petitions! Get the word around! NO MORE MARY-SUES! You'll regret ever creating them, believe me! **

**So use this story as both a humor device and a learning tool. Create OCs with care, people, and you'll never have to deal with a Scarlett Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star Glitter Sequins Smith!**

**Thank you for reading this, friends.  
**


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